I Ask for The Strength

As Salaam Alaikum,

Wow. For almost 2 years I have been involved in a beautiful relationship with a man that I truly love. Unfortunantly though, due to so many issues, we have seperated and from what he tells me…. and from what I believe my heart is telling me… we are going to be getting a divorced. This is really a sad time for me and I have been crying for the pass week. It hurts so bad.

After speaking to him today I feel that I have to ask God for the strength to proceed on with my life in the most devout, faithful, and humble way. I have to move on.

Is it a matter of compatability? Yes. But there are other issues too… which I guess comes down to compatability, but the reasons are still so fresh. The emotions are still so fresh. I feel really sad about it.

I want to flip this and think to myself at least I am young (I’m only 19) and I do not have any children with this man. We have no real property except for our car. We haven’t decided what we are going to do with it yet, but we shall see. It’s such a good car that I would hate for either one of us to lose it.

I really would like to reconcile. It would be so nice to. But I have so many things to think about when it comes to that. Again, are we compatable?

Our families are very different, and frankly I am very hurt by his right now. His family never supported our marriage and they have some serious issues that they should work out when it comes to the relationship of their children.

On top of that his family is not Muslim, so that brings problems in itself. But my biggest fear would be having children, me dying, and my children being closer to their non-Muslim family. Now, my husband is Muslim. I don’t question his faith, but I wish that he was more spiritual. There are things that we both should work on when it comes to Islam.

Even throughtout my marraige I did question if I really wanted to have children with this man. So, I guess you have it. He is someone that i love so dearly, but he just doesn’t have the same passions as I do nor the same drive. I’m a go-getter. This presents problems.

I have a lot to blame on myself, I should have never told him to leave, but at the same time it is not as if he never told me that he wouldn’t change, he wouldn’t compromise— and I stood before him crying my eyes out telling him that I would change just for him to stay. It’s just so sad to see, so sad to be a part of.

Before I was married I use to think that “divorce is divorce” and if if it’s “over it’s over”, boy has that attitude change. This is really painful. I haven’t cried like this in years. I wish that I could have him back. I wish that he could hold me. I wish that we could make love. But unfortunantly it looks as if it is not going to happen anytime soon.

This guy is super nice by the way. This is anothe scary thing, because I can only beg God to bless me with a man that was as nice as him. I truly feel that he would never cheat on me or hit me. I can only pray.

After a week and a couple of days, I guess that I can say that I no longer want the drama. I have to deal with this honestly and respectfully. No more calling his bestfriend to try to help me. My dad says that he will come back, but I just don’t want to live on that false hope. Plus, there’s so much going on for me right now that I have to remain focused. I truly love him.

I didn’t want to change this man, I just wanted to take care of him. I’ve spoken so much about this to myself, in emails begging him to come back, to friends, to family. I really don’t think that i can even speak about it here. Maybe one day, maybe not. Only the future can tell.

I really just hope for the best for him and I really wish that I could be a part of his dreams. He’s still my husband and I still want him so bad. I see so much in him and I just feel that the environment he is in isn’t going to help him. But we shall see. I want him to be successful, despite the pain and jealous thoughts that I may have at the moment over the idea that he may be.

Arggh! It just hurts so bad. I love him so much.

I wish that he would come back but I just can’t let that be my focus. I have to prepare myself for some very serious work that i will be involved in, in the next few weeks. Also I have to figure out if I am going to go to school this semester as well. I would like to go but I just know that with the stress of a seperation/divorce and starting a company… it’s going to be hard. I am already a year behind really when it comes to some classes… I should have taken it last year… but that’s college right? You switch your degree!

But who knows, maybe my company will take off and I have to put college to the side completly. OR maybe my company wont and I’ll just be stuck.

I am thankful though that I am not in the predicament of many, if not most women. I don’t have to worry about shelter because I live with my parents anyway. And again, I don’t have to worry about being a single mother and stuff.

It is as if I am starting a new life, all over again. Wow, and I thought getting married was something. The idea of getting a divorce? Being seperated? That’s something!

I just feel really sad and I hope that a blessing comes out of this. I hope that blessing would either be a reconcilation where our marriage is even stronger, or a peaceful and honorable departure where we both move on to “bigger and better things”, as he put it.

I just really pictured spending the rest of my life with him. But again, I must remind myself that I often wondered if that life would really be a happy one— as he wasn’t the type that liked to socialize with other Muslims, go to Muslim events, etc. He kept to himself. And again, his family was very exclusive. Sooo, I shouldn’t just blame this on myself.

I mean we were together for almost 2 years (which includes dating and marriage), so really that’s not too long. But we were together for almost every single day during that time too. We just exhausted ourselves with eachother.

I just really hope for the good. I hope that God blesses us both with happiness. I hope that we realize what we both want and shoot for our dreams. I am just so concerned over him because I want to support him so bad, and I just feel that he is not going to get it from his family. Not that his family wouldn’t want the best for him, but I wonder how is my husband going to get to school? How is he going to pay for school? What is he going to do.

I just love him so much. I love him so much. I wish we could reconcile. I just want to be a part of his life so bad. I love him so much. Being his friend will not be suffficient enough, but who knows? Only God.

I just hope that we realize what is going on before it’s too late. I don’t want to be so cocky and say that he should realize what he has, no… but I hope that he is making the right decision for himself. I really hope so.

I know that I was a good wife, with many flaws. I believe that I did more good than bad. There were things that I should have definitly worked on. But again, it’s not as if he never hurt me. He lied when he told me he loved me for 3 months, when he wasn’t in love with me. He wasn’t even love with me 2 weeks ago he claims. That hurt. It hurt when he refused to compromise— which would have definitly helped our marriage.

Oh gosh, I am running off at the mouth. But I guess i have to let it out?

I pray, I pray so hard that God blesses me with the strength that I need. I pray so hard. I pray so hard that my husband and I can reconcile, but really I am going to just pray for the best because you never know.

I need to get back to my community– well the community that I wanted to be a part of so bad. And that is hte Muslim community. My husband was a Muslim, yes, and I know that he has faith in God and everything, but he just wasn’t active like that. So I am looking forward to many things. Meeting fellow Muslims, and just being a part of that atmosphere.

I hope to God I find happiness when the smoke clears. I hope to God I will be happy. I hope to God that I will not be depressed when the divorce (if we get one) is final. I hope to God. I pray to God.

I need to move on right now. I hope that creating this blog will help me.

Please God, I ask for the strength.

salaam