What May be The Plan?

As Salaam Alaikum,

Oh gosh, what may be the plan? I am not sure.

Today I hope to get up, take a shower, get dressed, put on my makeup. For someone has been crying for over a week this takes a lot of energy. Yesterday, I washed some clothes so I took that as an excuse to not go out… again for someone who has been crying really hard for days, that took a lot of energy.

But I feel that I am done crying now. A part of me is very happy because i did not cry myself to sleep yesterday. It was still hard for me to sleep though, but I hope that in a couple of days I will be back on a regular sleep schedule… my only interruption will be waking up for fajr, and unless God wills otherwise, I will go back to sleep.

Alhumdulilah, the Quran and this lovely prayer reference book was dropped off to my husband yesterday at work. I know that he wanted it so I hope that he gets to reading the Quran soon. Maybe that will cause a reconcilation… but I am just trying hard not live on that false hope. When all is said and done I don’t want to be depressed… at the most, all that I want is to cry only a little, feel sad for a day, and then just move on. Unless God wills otherwise, all that I can look forward to is a divorce and a new life.

Also I plan on calling him somewhere around noon. We really need to work out all of the finances… it’s only two relatively small bills, but still. I am not really on my feet to cover any bills right now. I pray that he gives me some grace time to get back on my feet in two months. Also we have a really nice car and I don’t want to exactly sell it. If all goes well with this company that I am trying to establish, I would actually like to just buy myself a brand new car, and he can keep the car that we have because I know that he likes it. So I am going to ask that he please pay the insurance on the car, he can pick it up anytime, until I get my stuff together. Concernign the cable and internet bill (which is just one bill), I am going to ask that he give me a month to get things together. I know that according to Islam he is suppose to maintain my lifestyle untill all is said and done, but I just don’t want to throw that in his face at this time. He has his Quran, he can read it. And I’ve already sent him some verses about it.

On top of that I received notice about our stimulus check, which is a check that the government is giving to all families in the United States in hopes that we will “stimulate” the economy. I need to talk to him about it.

A part of me would like to give him the whole check. The reason is because when we got our tax return we put all of the money in my bank account. He agreed to this because we thought it would be good since I was the one handling the finances. I can tell though, in our big argument, that he wasn’t too happy about that. I just don’t want him to leave our marraige feeling like I took his money away from him. There were at times when he was at a better financial situation than me, such as with financial aid, and we used his money to cover books and stuff (but even I had a couple of hundreds, and when you think about it that would have covered the classes that I didn’t take with him, likely). I just don’t want him to feel that I took his money becuase that was never my intention. I thought the way that things were would have been best for us.

But i shouldn’t make myself feel guilty over that. He could have offered another plan, etc. And I was his wife, not some girlfriend. I handled our finances carefully and wisely.

And when you think about it I am the one left with no real money. He has left me at a time where I am about to start a company, therefore invest all of my money in it. I have taken out 3,000 dollars worth of credit (thus I am about to be 3,000 dollars in debt). Unless this company pops off, afterwards I will only have about 1,800 dollars (security deposit for the leasing), which will have to go to the credit, and so will whatever little money I may have made during the month of hte company being opened. So it’s not as if I walk away with anything. I already quit my job over this man to give him space (we worked together) and there would be no way I could return. No way, that I would like to return anyway. With my new life I want to stay away from the haraam, there I sold pork, likely unhalaal meat, and alcohol.

So really I am poor without the assistance of my parents. This is the plight that I am taking. He has a job to look forward to where he can leave with money in his pocket everyday. I don’t. We all know that both of us couldn’t have remained there, and fearing that he would quit and I would never see him again (because his gradmother suggested this to him), I quit… all in hopes of saving our marriage, giving him that “space”.

::sighs::

Wow, I haven’t cried yet. I am venting like this and I am not crying yet. Wow. I guess I am now getting angry and taking the attitude of “whatever”, which is what a former manager and everyone else is telling me to do right now. I feel the pain in my chest but my mind is stabled and I am nowI feeling somewhat happy over the state of my mind.

So I am the poor one. I am the one with absoloutly no money. I can’t spend anything. Nothing! I am still short about 100 dollars + i need insurance for the company. But I am hoping the stimulus check will take care of all of this. I am really hoping. I hope to call the manager at the mall on Monday and at least leave her a message saying that I am ready (with or without the insurance). You know?

The credit cards have no interest on them for 6 months. I hope to pay all of the credit cards off in 3 months at least.

Concernign pay for my employees… I just don’t know. I know that I will be up there every single day for right now all throughout the day. I am hiring my two little cousins, who will be back in school by then too. I would like to give them an hourly rate but right now I just can’t see that. I hope that we can agree on something else. Like I pay them a few hundred for their assistance for right now. They are nice cousins and I need them a lot right now, so I am hoping that they will understand and try to support me through this very big month (it’s a trial period). Unless God wills otherwise, we will be successful and then I can give them a steady paycheck.

I am nervous about hiring other people too. I would really like to keep it all in the family. Me, my two cousins, and maybe my brother. I say maybe about my brother because I don’t get along with him too well. but I am not going to get into that right now. Nope, not right now.

I am just really hoping for strength from God through this really hard time. I am faced with so much adversity: a divorce, no money, no job, and likely no school for the semester.

I am a planner though, though God is the true planner, and if I just get this plan down I just hope that all will be well.

What’s my plan for the bigger picture at the end of this year:

Start a successful company. Become financially indepedent from my husband. Pay off all debts. Buy a car. Be a better Muslim.

That’s the plan.

Also about school. Yea, I don’t think that I will be there this semester. There’s pretty much no way. But I am not sure about Spring semester. If the company takes off maybe I wont return to school at all. I know, I know I should be cautious. But after experiencing school for a year and looking at other individuals who already have degrees, I don’t see what college could do for me unless I want to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or work at some big Fortune 500 company. So I don’t know… we will see. If this company hits the jackpot I will buy a car and just save, save, save for a house! But we shall see.

Wow, I really want my husband to be a part of my dreams. I want to be a part of his dreams too. It hurts. It really hurts looking forward to a life without him, where we both go our seperate ways. I wanted to buy a house for hte both of us. I wanted to buy new cars for the both of us. All of this stuff. And now all he wants is to be established on his own. I wish him success. I pray that God eliminates all jealousy, envy, etc from my heart. I know that is not good. I know that is not good at all. Please God give me the strength to truly wish him all of the success he can have, including love with someon else and children.

God is great. God is good.

I should really go take a shower now and begin my day. I really should. But I still feel have some things to say. Don’t know what really. Maybe I ahve said all that I have to say over this? No, not at all. Maybe i am just tired.

Speaking of being tired I need to begin eating again. I’ve barely eaten in a week and I have lost about 5 pounds if not more. So i need to eat. I wish I could go groccery shopping but I don’t have the money for it. and i know that my parents don’t have the money for it either. I’ll see what is downstairs in the refrigerator and pantry.

I want some fruit. That’s what I want. Fruit. Maybe I will spend just a little bit and get a smoothie. That would be a good breakfast.

Well I am going to go now.

Praise be to God.