They say, “It’s time to get angry.”

As Salaam Alaikum,

Everyone keeps telling me that the next step is anger. But the truth is I do not want to get angry, eventhough I woke up angry today. I don’t want to get angry because I feel that, that will just make things worst. I don’t want to upset him further. But neither do I want to keep hurting and crying over this.

I think that yesterday I admitted to myself that this whole issue is going to take time. But what do I do during this time? With this company that I am trying to start it’s as if I am about to sentence myself to days of lonesomeness as I will be it’s main employee (thus long shifts, often all alone). I am wondering how ever will I even recover.

I keep thinking of this stimulus check that is about to come in. I text messaged my husband about it but he hasn’t called me about it. It’s been two days. See now I am getting angry because I am not realizing that I am not being treated well.

After he says that I am not family, and after being ignored for days, I want to yell, “I am not a child! I am your wife!”.

Looks like the check is going to go only in my bank account now. He hasn’t called me about it at all. I could put some money in his account, yes…. but I feel that anger has now taken over me and if he doesn’t call, I’m going to do just me.

He hasn’t called to ask how I am doing, not even my mother who has been nothing but nice to him. He’s just been arrogant, and now anger has me labeling him as just plain mean.

I don’t want to get angry. I don’t want to get angry at all because I don’t want to escalate things, I don’t want him to dislike me even more. But it’s like the pain in my chest is evolving into it. I felt it when I woke up thi morning. I felt it because the thought of him with another woman in the future pisses me off.

How could I end up this way? I tried so hard to please him. I tried so hard to take care of us. I tried so hard to make him comfortable. I didn’t mean to selfish or overbearing… but this is what he thinks of me. I want to correct it and just try it his way. Not to prove that my way may be better, no… but sincerely just try it his way.

I do not want to loose my marriage. I want him to please return home.

That’s all that I want him to do. I will make the changes. If he would just return home, I would change. I would do it because I love him so much and this just isn’t the way that I pictured.

It takes 7 months to Islamically divorce, how can he just want to waste it without trying to work on it?

His family does not care for us, that’s why. So he’s not getting an ear full of how marriage IS hard and how you shouldn’t just give up. What makes this even more painful, and goes to show just how much they dissaproved of our relationship and how they dislike me, they themselves once seperated.

I don’t want to be angry but it seems as if it is about to be inevitable. I know now that I am running out of time, so i need to get up and really start what I should be doing. It’s just so hard.

Please God, just give me the strength that I need and the mindset to hold on to my sanity and be a good person. I do not want to get angry at all God and I just want to heal myself, I want you to heal me. I don’t want to be angry against my husband because it may blind me in teh future if he attempts to reconcile and hurt us even more. I don’t want that God. Please God I ask for the strength that I need to proceed and just move on. I want to wait patiently for him God. I want to wait in reflection and just try to be a good person. You know God that I have already given up some things which are not good just to try to correct myself. Please God give me strength Please God make me a better person than I am right now. Please God I don’t want to be angry but neither do I want to be sad and keep crying. Please God, waht do I have to  do to show him that i want to change? What do I have to do to make him come back? Please God, please God. Please give me the strength God. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be sad. I want to just wait for him to come home, so I can be a better wife. I don’t want to do anything stupid or naive. But God I am tired of this abdandonment, I am tired of his anger towards me. I am tired of the way that he is treating me. I am tired God. Please God, please help me change because i want to change. I want to correct myself. Please God, please.

salaam