We Will Meet on Wednesday

As Salaam Alaikum,

Today I spoke to my husband over the phone for about an hour. He sounded differently over the phone, but he didn’t really speak of our relationship. He was just giving very simple answers. I avoided making statements that would indicate a reconcilation because I didn’t want to hear him say that there wouldn’t be one. But we talked for an hour and he didn’t just shut everything down when I talked about how I wish things could be.

He also mentioned that he would call me tonight. So I am waiting anxiously for him to call me. I would be so sad if he didn’t. I don’t know what else I could say. I want to ask for his forgiveness, I want to ask that he please turn to God, I want to tell him how I’ve been praying, I want to remind him that it was God that brought us together, I want to tell him that I was a new-wife and I just wanted the best for us, and that with a history of my mother experiecing emotional abuse from my father, i didn’t know how to properly respond to such a nice man.

On Wednesday he is suppose to come over to talk about bills. I don’t know what I should do, because we all know that I don’t want to talk about just “bills”. I want to talk about more.

I am going to clean the room up, make his favorite food, buy him a gift, and just pray that he will respond to them nicely and unless God wills otherwise, tell me that he would like to work things out.

I just need him with me so bad. I am trying not get my hopes up because my husband has a way of shutting things down and not being impressed. I just want him to respond and be happy, and just see that I am trying to change.

Please God let this work. Please. I really need prayers so please everyone pray to God for me. Please.

I love my husband very much and I need him in my life.

salaam

Some Happy News

As Salaam Alaikum,

I have solved a major problem concerning my company. This makes me happy and I hope that it is sign from God that things may get better. I hope to God that my husband comes back because life just hasn’t been the same.

I went out and I asked a few companies about their insurance and praise be to God, the process doesn’t seem bad and is something that I can get from the company that I am already insured with for my car.

salaam

They say, “It’s time to get angry.”

As Salaam Alaikum,

Everyone keeps telling me that the next step is anger. But the truth is I do not want to get angry, eventhough I woke up angry today. I don’t want to get angry because I feel that, that will just make things worst. I don’t want to upset him further. But neither do I want to keep hurting and crying over this.

I think that yesterday I admitted to myself that this whole issue is going to take time. But what do I do during this time? With this company that I am trying to start it’s as if I am about to sentence myself to days of lonesomeness as I will be it’s main employee (thus long shifts, often all alone). I am wondering how ever will I even recover.

I keep thinking of this stimulus check that is about to come in. I text messaged my husband about it but he hasn’t called me about it. It’s been two days. See now I am getting angry because I am not realizing that I am not being treated well.

After he says that I am not family, and after being ignored for days, I want to yell, “I am not a child! I am your wife!”.

Looks like the check is going to go only in my bank account now. He hasn’t called me about it at all. I could put some money in his account, yes…. but I feel that anger has now taken over me and if he doesn’t call, I’m going to do just me.

He hasn’t called to ask how I am doing, not even my mother who has been nothing but nice to him. He’s just been arrogant, and now anger has me labeling him as just plain mean.

I don’t want to get angry. I don’t want to get angry at all because I don’t want to escalate things, I don’t want him to dislike me even more. But it’s like the pain in my chest is evolving into it. I felt it when I woke up thi morning. I felt it because the thought of him with another woman in the future pisses me off.

How could I end up this way? I tried so hard to please him. I tried so hard to take care of us. I tried so hard to make him comfortable. I didn’t mean to selfish or overbearing… but this is what he thinks of me. I want to correct it and just try it his way. Not to prove that my way may be better, no… but sincerely just try it his way.

I do not want to loose my marriage. I want him to please return home.

That’s all that I want him to do. I will make the changes. If he would just return home, I would change. I would do it because I love him so much and this just isn’t the way that I pictured.

It takes 7 months to Islamically divorce, how can he just want to waste it without trying to work on it?

His family does not care for us, that’s why. So he’s not getting an ear full of how marriage IS hard and how you shouldn’t just give up. What makes this even more painful, and goes to show just how much they dissaproved of our relationship and how they dislike me, they themselves once seperated.

I don’t want to be angry but it seems as if it is about to be inevitable. I know now that I am running out of time, so i need to get up and really start what I should be doing. It’s just so hard.

Please God, just give me the strength that I need and the mindset to hold on to my sanity and be a good person. I do not want to get angry at all God and I just want to heal myself, I want you to heal me. I don’t want to be angry against my husband because it may blind me in teh future if he attempts to reconcile and hurt us even more. I don’t want that God. Please God I ask for the strength that I need to proceed and just move on. I want to wait patiently for him God. I want to wait in reflection and just try to be a good person. You know God that I have already given up some things which are not good just to try to correct myself. Please God give me strength Please God make me a better person than I am right now. Please God I don’t want to be angry but neither do I want to be sad and keep crying. Please God, waht do I have to  do to show him that i want to change? What do I have to do to make him come back? Please God, please God. Please give me the strength God. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be sad. I want to just wait for him to come home, so I can be a better wife. I don’t want to do anything stupid or naive. But God I am tired of this abdandonment, I am tired of his anger towards me. I am tired of the way that he is treating me. I am tired God. Please God, please help me change because i want to change. I want to correct myself. Please God, please.

salaam

What More Can I Say?

As Salaam Alaikum,

I really do not know what else I can do. I e-mailed my husband today, again, and I basically just laid it out.

I referred to God and took some verses from the Quran. I did not ask him to reconcile with me. What I asked was that he please look at some verses from the Quran which talked about how couples should handle arguments.

Then instead of asking him to reconcile, I asked that he please come home so we can live this way according to God. Get God back into our life. I told him that we wouldn’t neccesarily be reconciling, I will still countdown until we are officially divorced. But instead we will live togethter and try to become better Muslims, and try to handle the remaining of our marriage according to the way that God told us to. And if he still feels that a divorce is neccesary, then ok. Even I will beleive by then that we really are not compatable.

I cried a little today. I cried because I do not want him to hate me or think of me as a bad person. I just want to clear things up with him and let him know that I didn’t do things to be selfish but only because I was concerned and I wanted to protect us.

I know that my husband believes in God. I know that he believes in Islam. I know that he beleives in the Quran. I feel that after this, this is all that I can really say to try to get him back. After this, all that I can really do is just wait.

I want to follow God’s way so bad. I have been praying and I just want to keep it that way for the rest of my life. I don’t want to go off track ever again, and I am just praying for the strength. I am praying for it so bad.

I just hope that maybe this last e-mail will hit him in the heart. That he will really think of it. I know that he has calmed down but he is still mad. He went as far as telling me as that we are not family yesterday, so I know that he is mad.

He was the one that asked for his Quran. And Alhumdulilah, he received it yesterday. So I am just hoping that he puts all things in perspective and say, “I am a Muslim man and this is what I should do. This is what God says in the Quran. She’s not asking for a reconcilation. She’s asking that we follow what God has told us, and if it doesn’t work out then we will divorce.”

I’m not a perfect Muslim. Not at all. I want to do it God’s way. I just hope that he has enough faith to do this because he does not want to disobey God. Not for me. Not for our marriage. But because he does not want to disobey God. He wants to follow what God has declared as the right way.

I just don’t know what else I can say after this. I just don’t know. I’ve done enough crying over him leaving me. I wish that I could have him back but my days are getting better.

I didn’t do anything that I was suppose to do today. I didn’t go out or anything. I stayed home and read the Quran, finsihed washing clothes, hung them up, and just spent time on that e-mail.

I pray to God that my husband takes up my suggestion and just tries it because we both know that it will be pleasing to God. We both know. I know that it will be pleasing to God, but it would be wonderful if we both know it and we both try it. I feel that if he was to return home, it would already be so much to change us into better Muslims and hopefuly a stronger couple.

But i just do not know and I don’t want to get my hopes up. Only God knows if he will respond to that. Only God knows.

My husband is a good man, and I feel that I am a good woman. But we are really nothing when it comes to practicing the way that we should when it comes to Islam. I want to be a stronger Muslim and I just want to pray and dhikr. I want to spend my time remembering God and I do, but I just really need to get back connected. I need to get back. We need to get back.

I pray to God that my husband responds to this in a good way and decides that he will come home and try it the way that God told us to try it. I pray. I pray.

But I don’t know. Only God knows. Only God knows.

I pray.

What May be The Plan?

As Salaam Alaikum,

Oh gosh, what may be the plan? I am not sure.

Today I hope to get up, take a shower, get dressed, put on my makeup. For someone has been crying for over a week this takes a lot of energy. Yesterday, I washed some clothes so I took that as an excuse to not go out… again for someone who has been crying really hard for days, that took a lot of energy.

But I feel that I am done crying now. A part of me is very happy because i did not cry myself to sleep yesterday. It was still hard for me to sleep though, but I hope that in a couple of days I will be back on a regular sleep schedule… my only interruption will be waking up for fajr, and unless God wills otherwise, I will go back to sleep.

Alhumdulilah, the Quran and this lovely prayer reference book was dropped off to my husband yesterday at work. I know that he wanted it so I hope that he gets to reading the Quran soon. Maybe that will cause a reconcilation… but I am just trying hard not live on that false hope. When all is said and done I don’t want to be depressed… at the most, all that I want is to cry only a little, feel sad for a day, and then just move on. Unless God wills otherwise, all that I can look forward to is a divorce and a new life.

Also I plan on calling him somewhere around noon. We really need to work out all of the finances… it’s only two relatively small bills, but still. I am not really on my feet to cover any bills right now. I pray that he gives me some grace time to get back on my feet in two months. Also we have a really nice car and I don’t want to exactly sell it. If all goes well with this company that I am trying to establish, I would actually like to just buy myself a brand new car, and he can keep the car that we have because I know that he likes it. So I am going to ask that he please pay the insurance on the car, he can pick it up anytime, until I get my stuff together. Concernign the cable and internet bill (which is just one bill), I am going to ask that he give me a month to get things together. I know that according to Islam he is suppose to maintain my lifestyle untill all is said and done, but I just don’t want to throw that in his face at this time. He has his Quran, he can read it. And I’ve already sent him some verses about it.

On top of that I received notice about our stimulus check, which is a check that the government is giving to all families in the United States in hopes that we will “stimulate” the economy. I need to talk to him about it.

A part of me would like to give him the whole check. The reason is because when we got our tax return we put all of the money in my bank account. He agreed to this because we thought it would be good since I was the one handling the finances. I can tell though, in our big argument, that he wasn’t too happy about that. I just don’t want him to leave our marraige feeling like I took his money away from him. There were at times when he was at a better financial situation than me, such as with financial aid, and we used his money to cover books and stuff (but even I had a couple of hundreds, and when you think about it that would have covered the classes that I didn’t take with him, likely). I just don’t want him to feel that I took his money becuase that was never my intention. I thought the way that things were would have been best for us.

But i shouldn’t make myself feel guilty over that. He could have offered another plan, etc. And I was his wife, not some girlfriend. I handled our finances carefully and wisely.

And when you think about it I am the one left with no real money. He has left me at a time where I am about to start a company, therefore invest all of my money in it. I have taken out 3,000 dollars worth of credit (thus I am about to be 3,000 dollars in debt). Unless this company pops off, afterwards I will only have about 1,800 dollars (security deposit for the leasing), which will have to go to the credit, and so will whatever little money I may have made during the month of hte company being opened. So it’s not as if I walk away with anything. I already quit my job over this man to give him space (we worked together) and there would be no way I could return. No way, that I would like to return anyway. With my new life I want to stay away from the haraam, there I sold pork, likely unhalaal meat, and alcohol.

So really I am poor without the assistance of my parents. This is the plight that I am taking. He has a job to look forward to where he can leave with money in his pocket everyday. I don’t. We all know that both of us couldn’t have remained there, and fearing that he would quit and I would never see him again (because his gradmother suggested this to him), I quit… all in hopes of saving our marriage, giving him that “space”.

::sighs::

Wow, I haven’t cried yet. I am venting like this and I am not crying yet. Wow. I guess I am now getting angry and taking the attitude of “whatever”, which is what a former manager and everyone else is telling me to do right now. I feel the pain in my chest but my mind is stabled and I am nowI feeling somewhat happy over the state of my mind.

So I am the poor one. I am the one with absoloutly no money. I can’t spend anything. Nothing! I am still short about 100 dollars + i need insurance for the company. But I am hoping the stimulus check will take care of all of this. I am really hoping. I hope to call the manager at the mall on Monday and at least leave her a message saying that I am ready (with or without the insurance). You know?

The credit cards have no interest on them for 6 months. I hope to pay all of the credit cards off in 3 months at least.

Concernign pay for my employees… I just don’t know. I know that I will be up there every single day for right now all throughout the day. I am hiring my two little cousins, who will be back in school by then too. I would like to give them an hourly rate but right now I just can’t see that. I hope that we can agree on something else. Like I pay them a few hundred for their assistance for right now. They are nice cousins and I need them a lot right now, so I am hoping that they will understand and try to support me through this very big month (it’s a trial period). Unless God wills otherwise, we will be successful and then I can give them a steady paycheck.

I am nervous about hiring other people too. I would really like to keep it all in the family. Me, my two cousins, and maybe my brother. I say maybe about my brother because I don’t get along with him too well. but I am not going to get into that right now. Nope, not right now.

I am just really hoping for strength from God through this really hard time. I am faced with so much adversity: a divorce, no money, no job, and likely no school for the semester.

I am a planner though, though God is the true planner, and if I just get this plan down I just hope that all will be well.

What’s my plan for the bigger picture at the end of this year:

Start a successful company. Become financially indepedent from my husband. Pay off all debts. Buy a car. Be a better Muslim.

That’s the plan.

Also about school. Yea, I don’t think that I will be there this semester. There’s pretty much no way. But I am not sure about Spring semester. If the company takes off maybe I wont return to school at all. I know, I know I should be cautious. But after experiencing school for a year and looking at other individuals who already have degrees, I don’t see what college could do for me unless I want to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or work at some big Fortune 500 company. So I don’t know… we will see. If this company hits the jackpot I will buy a car and just save, save, save for a house! But we shall see.

Wow, I really want my husband to be a part of my dreams. I want to be a part of his dreams too. It hurts. It really hurts looking forward to a life without him, where we both go our seperate ways. I wanted to buy a house for hte both of us. I wanted to buy new cars for the both of us. All of this stuff. And now all he wants is to be established on his own. I wish him success. I pray that God eliminates all jealousy, envy, etc from my heart. I know that is not good. I know that is not good at all. Please God give me the strength to truly wish him all of the success he can have, including love with someon else and children.

God is great. God is good.

I should really go take a shower now and begin my day. I really should. But I still feel have some things to say. Don’t know what really. Maybe I ahve said all that I have to say over this? No, not at all. Maybe i am just tired.

Speaking of being tired I need to begin eating again. I’ve barely eaten in a week and I have lost about 5 pounds if not more. So i need to eat. I wish I could go groccery shopping but I don’t have the money for it. and i know that my parents don’t have the money for it either. I’ll see what is downstairs in the refrigerator and pantry.

I want some fruit. That’s what I want. Fruit. Maybe I will spend just a little bit and get a smoothie. That would be a good breakfast.

Well I am going to go now.

Praise be to God.

I Ask for The Strength

As Salaam Alaikum,

Wow. For almost 2 years I have been involved in a beautiful relationship with a man that I truly love. Unfortunantly though, due to so many issues, we have seperated and from what he tells me…. and from what I believe my heart is telling me… we are going to be getting a divorced. This is really a sad time for me and I have been crying for the pass week. It hurts so bad.

After speaking to him today I feel that I have to ask God for the strength to proceed on with my life in the most devout, faithful, and humble way. I have to move on.

Is it a matter of compatability? Yes. But there are other issues too… which I guess comes down to compatability, but the reasons are still so fresh. The emotions are still so fresh. I feel really sad about it.

I want to flip this and think to myself at least I am young (I’m only 19) and I do not have any children with this man. We have no real property except for our car. We haven’t decided what we are going to do with it yet, but we shall see. It’s such a good car that I would hate for either one of us to lose it.

I really would like to reconcile. It would be so nice to. But I have so many things to think about when it comes to that. Again, are we compatable?

Our families are very different, and frankly I am very hurt by his right now. His family never supported our marriage and they have some serious issues that they should work out when it comes to the relationship of their children.

On top of that his family is not Muslim, so that brings problems in itself. But my biggest fear would be having children, me dying, and my children being closer to their non-Muslim family. Now, my husband is Muslim. I don’t question his faith, but I wish that he was more spiritual. There are things that we both should work on when it comes to Islam.

Even throughtout my marraige I did question if I really wanted to have children with this man. So, I guess you have it. He is someone that i love so dearly, but he just doesn’t have the same passions as I do nor the same drive. I’m a go-getter. This presents problems.

I have a lot to blame on myself, I should have never told him to leave, but at the same time it is not as if he never told me that he wouldn’t change, he wouldn’t compromise— and I stood before him crying my eyes out telling him that I would change just for him to stay. It’s just so sad to see, so sad to be a part of.

Before I was married I use to think that “divorce is divorce” and if if it’s “over it’s over”, boy has that attitude change. This is really painful. I haven’t cried like this in years. I wish that I could have him back. I wish that he could hold me. I wish that we could make love. But unfortunantly it looks as if it is not going to happen anytime soon.

This guy is super nice by the way. This is anothe scary thing, because I can only beg God to bless me with a man that was as nice as him. I truly feel that he would never cheat on me or hit me. I can only pray.

After a week and a couple of days, I guess that I can say that I no longer want the drama. I have to deal with this honestly and respectfully. No more calling his bestfriend to try to help me. My dad says that he will come back, but I just don’t want to live on that false hope. Plus, there’s so much going on for me right now that I have to remain focused. I truly love him.

I didn’t want to change this man, I just wanted to take care of him. I’ve spoken so much about this to myself, in emails begging him to come back, to friends, to family. I really don’t think that i can even speak about it here. Maybe one day, maybe not. Only the future can tell.

I really just hope for the best for him and I really wish that I could be a part of his dreams. He’s still my husband and I still want him so bad. I see so much in him and I just feel that the environment he is in isn’t going to help him. But we shall see. I want him to be successful, despite the pain and jealous thoughts that I may have at the moment over the idea that he may be.

Arggh! It just hurts so bad. I love him so much.

I wish that he would come back but I just can’t let that be my focus. I have to prepare myself for some very serious work that i will be involved in, in the next few weeks. Also I have to figure out if I am going to go to school this semester as well. I would like to go but I just know that with the stress of a seperation/divorce and starting a company… it’s going to be hard. I am already a year behind really when it comes to some classes… I should have taken it last year… but that’s college right? You switch your degree!

But who knows, maybe my company will take off and I have to put college to the side completly. OR maybe my company wont and I’ll just be stuck.

I am thankful though that I am not in the predicament of many, if not most women. I don’t have to worry about shelter because I live with my parents anyway. And again, I don’t have to worry about being a single mother and stuff.

It is as if I am starting a new life, all over again. Wow, and I thought getting married was something. The idea of getting a divorce? Being seperated? That’s something!

I just feel really sad and I hope that a blessing comes out of this. I hope that blessing would either be a reconcilation where our marriage is even stronger, or a peaceful and honorable departure where we both move on to “bigger and better things”, as he put it.

I just really pictured spending the rest of my life with him. But again, I must remind myself that I often wondered if that life would really be a happy one— as he wasn’t the type that liked to socialize with other Muslims, go to Muslim events, etc. He kept to himself. And again, his family was very exclusive. Sooo, I shouldn’t just blame this on myself.

I mean we were together for almost 2 years (which includes dating and marriage), so really that’s not too long. But we were together for almost every single day during that time too. We just exhausted ourselves with eachother.

I just really hope for the good. I hope that God blesses us both with happiness. I hope that we realize what we both want and shoot for our dreams. I am just so concerned over him because I want to support him so bad, and I just feel that he is not going to get it from his family. Not that his family wouldn’t want the best for him, but I wonder how is my husband going to get to school? How is he going to pay for school? What is he going to do.

I just love him so much. I love him so much. I wish we could reconcile. I just want to be a part of his life so bad. I love him so much. Being his friend will not be suffficient enough, but who knows? Only God.

I just hope that we realize what is going on before it’s too late. I don’t want to be so cocky and say that he should realize what he has, no… but I hope that he is making the right decision for himself. I really hope so.

I know that I was a good wife, with many flaws. I believe that I did more good than bad. There were things that I should have definitly worked on. But again, it’s not as if he never hurt me. He lied when he told me he loved me for 3 months, when he wasn’t in love with me. He wasn’t even love with me 2 weeks ago he claims. That hurt. It hurt when he refused to compromise— which would have definitly helped our marriage.

Oh gosh, I am running off at the mouth. But I guess i have to let it out?

I pray, I pray so hard that God blesses me with the strength that I need. I pray so hard. I pray so hard that my husband and I can reconcile, but really I am going to just pray for the best because you never know.

I need to get back to my community– well the community that I wanted to be a part of so bad. And that is hte Muslim community. My husband was a Muslim, yes, and I know that he has faith in God and everything, but he just wasn’t active like that. So I am looking forward to many things. Meeting fellow Muslims, and just being a part of that atmosphere.

I hope to God I find happiness when the smoke clears. I hope to God I will be happy. I hope to God that I will not be depressed when the divorce (if we get one) is final. I hope to God. I pray to God.

I need to move on right now. I hope that creating this blog will help me.

Please God, I ask for the strength.

salaam

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